Entry 591: I am blessed

Times I feel neglected and less appreciated or loved..
I forgot the sheer fact that having you around is a blessing enough.
I would not have been more certain if I would marry someone else
And bore his children.
I have faith, because of you.

The sight of you and the children, bonding together.
The words you said with confidence that our daughters will tell you about their relationships instead of telling me.
The roles and responsibilities you took and shouldered to make future possible.
I do know, i really do.

In case I made you feel stressed out with all the big plans you have because I am still not thinking as deep as you, I'm sorry. I will try my best and we will make ends meet together. I believe, because we have walked this far..

You made me feel assured and I want this security throughout. I don't have to worry, oh, if I do have something, I lost to your games and children. Of course, work that you just have to follow up too but I understand (a bit) else we will have lesser income >.<

My love, my husband, father of my girls, my walking calculator, my seem-to-know-all encyclopedia~
Annoying still, not romantic and not showing enough affection~ but okay, I will forgive your flaws.


Xoxo
Wife

Entry 590: 原來 你要的一直是我改變什麼

不是我說到沒做到 為你改變了什麼 你只在乎我做到多少
是你不懂我 不了解從小學開始就喜歡天天往外跑的我
答應你的事 我也很努力的想要維持
不開心的時候 你只記得我對你承諾了什麼
是否曾想過 我一直以來都是這樣過的
從和你在一起到現在 我就一直問 今天出門嗎？
原來 你已忘了

我在乎我生活圈子的人 家人 親戚 朋友 同事
我也從不後悔 嫁的早 生的早 因為這都是一種福氣

問我有什麼嗜好 我說不上來
釣魚 電動踏板車
和你一起玩網上的角色扮演遊戲
為的是你還是我
我做的 你沒看見嗎 還是你已當作一切都是理所當然
說出心聲 你又會嘔氣 說把踏板車賣掉 或不用陪你一起 的話
所以乾脆不說了 在這宣洩就好

你不知道 你有很多 你從以前 就一直有的嗜好
遊戲 購買遊戲裡的東西 釣魚 和朋友喝咖啡聊天
還有個壞習慣 吸煙
我讓你 為我 停止什麼了嗎
只因為 我對你有足夠的信任
我們是要相守到老去的兩個人 若什麼都要強迫的改
那天天不都是地獄嗎
為什麼 就不能用會好好照顧自己的條件 來換取做自己喜歡的事的資格
原來 你要的一直是我改變什麼⋯

Entry 589: 真心假意

有時候會想 到底付出算什麼
一直付出的人 最終獲得了什麼
有些默默付出的人 看著 關心著
不顧一切的幫助和照顧著 為的是什麼
每個付出過的人都知道 就算付出了全部
也不代表會有收穫 不代表會有好結果
明明知道 卻不肯放
是執著堅強 還是固執任性

付出 就希望得到回報
口上說無所謂的人 更在意結果
或其實他們 已知道結果 卻不想結束一切
是好是壞也說不上
付出 對我 只是為了讓人注意到我
真心還是假意？
 真心付出 為的是不讓自己孤單 意 在何處...


我喜歡白馬 因為王子都是騎著白馬
但我更喜歡黑馬 那種感覺 帥氣 強悍
即使在黑暗裡 仍能適應一切 繼續勇敢的跑下去

黑馬，讓人看不出它受了多少傷...

Entry 588: 找不到原因 解释伤感

好久没有在这留下足迹
生活中有好多时候让人感觉疲惫
想找个人诉说但又不是他
想找个人聊聊 但又怕他们觉得厌烦
矛盾的是 自己也不愿跨出那一步

好久没有这么想一个人出去走走
想一个人搭车看看风景
想一个人无所事事的坐在cafe里 慢慢享用一杯冷饮

解释不了为什么 突然觉得彷徨
好久没有好好的拥抱
好久没有让这两颗心相连
有时，爱情不能用话语来维持
即使再怎么想听那句“我爱你”，“我想你”
感觉不到的，始终不是说说就能安抚的

也许爱是这样吧
不说了

Entry 587: The start of chapter : Faith Averia

Sleep Like A Boss!

18-09-2014 : The start of labour

 

Everyone knows labour is like having bones crushed and we heard that this is tougher than men going army. Guys will never understand how their wife felt at that very moment. He probably seen the hardship she was going through from her facial and body expression and/or whines; he perhaps felt the pinch while his wife was going through the excruciating pain from the contraction that intensified as time dragged on.

So this was what happen..

At around evening 4-5pm, I started having mild pain that last about half a minute. They were very regular at approx. 5 minute interval. I could endure the pain and I raised it to my mom and sis who were present that night. I then commented to my hubby, "I don't know if this is Braxton hicks (fake contraction) or the real thing. It doesn't feel like the contraction I had when in labour with Claire."

 

Our initial plan

As night falls, I am certain that they come regularly. Earlier that noon, Hubby and I have arranged an appointment to go in in the morning at 8am to induce labour as I will be due by then and induction is better to be conducted before 40weeks and 2days (claimed the doctor). I was really having sleepless nights due to the impatient waiting, anxiety, frequent toilet trips and almost-every-day leg ache. I went back and googled on "Exercises that helps induce labor". I did the exercises bit by bit from time to time. I did not overstrain or do as long and as much as suggested in the videos.

 

I did begin to feel some cramps but they were really, really mild. They were, at that point, regular too. So I continued the exercises whenever I felt okay to do so. They perhaps did help, I can't conclude. No harm trying!

My ultimate decision

Around 9pm, I told hubby (he had suggested going to the hospital several times by then) that I think I want to go hospital. I showered again and ensured I have packed everything in my bag. I was uncertain if it was real contraction, thus the hesitation. I really can't take the disappointment cos I have been anticipating her arrival a week ago when I had lightning crotch (the shooting pain up the pelvic whenever I stand or start walking).

Transport: Bus

Amazingly, Hubby and I took the bus to KKH, from CCK. I don't know how long it took to reach as the bus was going on a faster speed than daytime and we skipped a few stops due to fewer commuters. We reached the Delivery suite counter about 10 to 15minutes to 12am. Next, I was asked to be on belts to track foetus's heartbeat and contractions for about an hour and wait for the doctor to assess my condition. In less than an hour, I was told by the nurse that I am having contractions and was 4cm dilated. The doctor came in and signed for me to go to the labor ward. I was so excited, yet worried of the pain at the same time. I have experienced once when I had Claire, it was irregular and torturous~! I felt the pain somehow before it actually intensified like the first.

Time checked: 1am

I entered the labor ward. Changed into the white robe and lied on bed with those belts and two big 'buttons' on my tummy. The contraction did feel bad now, but not as worse as the first labor. Could not really sleep as the contractions came every 3 to 4 minutes. I looked at the digital clock in the suite every now and then to realise that an hour has passed after another.

Time to stop the pain

At 4am, I called hubby who was dead tired and asleep. I asked if I should have epidural and I said I think I want epidural. He told me to call the nurse if I really want it. The nurse came in (I shall skip all the unhappiness I had with the hospital) and later the anaesthetist. That injection on the back made everything better. I slept and time to time, nurses or doctors come in to check my cervix to see how much it has dilated. It was dilating steadily at 1cm every hour. By 7cm, a handsome doctor (haha) burst my water bag. I don't feel any pain thanks to epidural.

 

Push!

I was fully dilated by 10am and was told to push by the midwife, who was assisted by a female medical student. With about three rounds of pushing, three to four pushes per round, Faith Averia is out!! :D Finally! She cried a lot more than Claire and her double eyelid was the first to attract Hubby and my attention >.<!

Nightmare was about to begin

The nightmare of being stitch up after the epidural had worn off was my worst nightmare ever. Though it didn't hurt as badly as when I had Claire, it certainly was the worst part I ever felt (apart from the contractions when I was in labor with Claire). The first round of stitching took like forever and I felt very very weary minutes after the doctor started stitching. She gave another round of anaesthetics but I can still feel the thread stringing through. When I woke, I was told to have another round of stitching as the first doctor has missed out the tear on the right. I was devastated. This time round, it took a shorter time but it hurts SO DAMN BAD. I sweat and held so tightly onto hubby. I even started "ahhhhhhhhhh" when I did not even do so when I had super terrible contraction -_-

 

Confinement

I bet I am going to face all the side-effects of backache etc sooner or later. This time round, I have my confinement at my mom's place. There was no air-con and I have to depend solely on the ceiling fan. There is another fan just beside the bed but I tried to minimize the use. I was cold but I perspired madly every night. Up to 2 nights ago, I only felt some discomfort while having to sit up to breastfeed. It worsens last night and I could not turn to carry Faith up onto the cushion as the ache was pulling from my lower back to near the butt. I called hubby who carried her up for me. By then, the bed, pillow and bolster were soaking wet again.

 

 

The first dress

Wanted to bring Faith out in this pink dress which Claire didn't have a chance to wear but mom told me to leave her at home. Well, it is good though since she is barely a week old. Pardon the pacifier !

My first make after delivery.
I realized how big my hip has become T^T I can't even fit in any of my pants that I used to wear regularly before I conceived Faith! That is saddening enough. Decided to put on some make-ups and tada! Make-up does wonder, doesn't it? :D

My hair is in a mess, my figure is taking its own sweet time to shape. The woes of post-delivery! Guys, never take your wife for granted! She went through the toughest time to carry your child with caution in her for that few months which you think were easy. She went through physical change just to bear and deliver your child. Please, be nice and loving like you have before another member was added in your life.

Ok, my elder daughter needs my attention now.


Childbirth isn't easy. Parenthood too. Try to understand and cherish these people :

1) The one who have given birth to you
2) The one who deliver your child
3) The one who you have brought to this world

Nothing is more important than the bonds and love you can build and share with family. <3

Entry 586: The long wait..

The sacrifices I have to make for each of you.

The scars and marks that add on each time..

If it wasn't for love, what could it be?

 

As the days drag.. I become impatient and every day, I'll be asking and hoping that she will finally decide to come to this world to meet me in my arms. Yet each day fails me and the wait seems to get longer.

 

For the past few nights, I have been feeling her increased movements and that probably means she won't be out yet. Today, she moved a little lesser than yesterday. Should I see it as a good sign? :D

 

Haven't been very tolerant with Claire. She is impatient, perhaps inherited by me :/

She gets frustrated so easily and she kept saying, "uh oh" with those annoying noises which made me want to throw away everything that are making her whine. Her daddy on the other hand, is being more patient and loving and playing with her. He gave her all the attention when he is awake and it seems to be too unacceptable for me. Where is the love and care I need him to shower on me too?

 

Well, I have a friend who told me not to feel too bad about my husband loving his daughter more. She was treated in a way which disgusts her, thus I can't deny her kind advice. Still, I love Claire. It is just that.. I have lesser patience for her. I want discipline to be enforced in certain ways. I don't like some of her bad habits. They don't do her good. She is only 2 but she is a fast learner in many ways. I corrected many things about how my husband should communicate with her. He spoils her by giving in too much. He does scold her at times but it isn't consistent and she doesn't learn.

 

There are times too, that I will try to put it across to her nicely, in a light mood. I do have times that I am calmer than the people who are agitated by her. It is not all about hard disciplinary methods. But people around need to be cooperative.

 

Whatever she does that is unacceptable or considered rude, I will tell people at the scene not to laugh as she will find it okay to continue with that behaviour. I just wish to say, I don't mean restricting everything. Fun doesn't mean being rude. I hope she understands one day.

 

I am thinking of ways to bring Claire and Faith closer together. I will most likely be so worn out when Faith arrives that my patience and energy level will drop drastically.

 

 

 

 

To Claire,

 

If mommy ever scolds you wrongly or ignores you, please forgive me. When you grow older and read this post, do understand my situation k? I'm sorry darling. I love you so much to just let you stray. I may focus too much on meimei and neglect you when time comes but I will try my best to balance it. Don't ever think that I am bias. I'll shower love and care for you as well as for daddy and meimei. I will not be bias like daddy xD I love you, Claire.

 

Entry 585: I should have realized this earlier..

It could happen even when you don’t mean it.

“Having to be cautious in a relationship, be it your actions or words, does not necessarily means that the relationship is going downhill. It could also mean that you still care about how he/she feels.”

 

Lately, I have been asking a little too much. Well, it could be an understatement with that “little” but I really don’t mean bad. He has his worries too and I know it. I don’t know exactly how he feels and I tend to ask a lot more than he can handle. I’m really sorry.

 

He told me aftermath when I posted something unpleasant on the net (of course, I deleted it after he text me with his reply) that he don’t wish to be interviewed or questioned too much by me. He has a fair share of worries and I shouldn’t have made him feel intimidated by all the questions raised. I agreed I did ask too much after reflecting on myself but I just want to be part of his life. I tried too hard, I assume. He told me it is fine to just ask, “Fun?” or “Tired?”, simple questions like that to show I care. I always thought it is worse to just give replies like that – short one or two word. They are the worst messages. I feel that messages like that are redundant and meaningless. However, if I were to think deeper earlier, I should have realized that we all have different aspects in life to juggle with. It is hard to maintain a balance and it is hard to always give a full, long and detailed message reply. I mean, we have been together for so long, it is ok, really, to just exchange short messages at times, especially when we are tied down with work.

 

I miss him a lot more now when I’m carrying our second daughter. I didn’t know I will bother him this much cos I used to hang-out with my friends and sent short replies to him too. We used to be a 1+1 wherever we go, until…last year? I started heavy clubbing and hanging out with my girlfriends, thus neglecting him. I thought it was ok, cos he was the one who focused too much on gadgets and games that even when we were home together, we barely talked.

 

I once left him for that same reason. Then one day, he told me how he was desperately yet patiently waiting for me to come home, and talked to me about how he feels. He didn’t game that day. He was just waiting for me to be back. I came back, all tired and sleepy. I fell asleep while he was gently telling me how he had felt. He stopped and then, a call came in. I started chatting away, wide awake. He was asleep, but not deep or sound. It really hurt him that time. To think of it now, I still feel guilty. I should have given a second thought. I should have listened to him. I thought of myself so much that I didn’t realize, he knew his mistake and wanted to amend. It wasn’t too late. I just didn’t bother to give him a chance back then. I was wrong myself.

 

They have all passed and should serve a valuable lesson for us to cherish each other more. Though there are times I stumble and future seems grey, we are still here for each other. I am thankful. I am thankful that he has stayed with me.

Hubby, if you ever read this, I wanna say,

“Thank you for being here for me. You may not always be physically around when I am in need but I thank you for loving me and caring for our little family. You are not the best in other people’s world, but you are the best I have found. I am sorry that I made you tear and disappointed. You forgave me times and times again that I should feel ashamed. But I am shamelessly holding on to you. I want you to know, I love you. Please continue to stay with me.”

 

To end this post off, I would just like to remind all couples..

Being comfortable is a good thing. But being too comfortable may make you forget about how important it is to still want to know how the other party may feel if you do this or that. The tendency of either or both parties being complacent may someday lead to a separation that none could explain either. And that probably goes with this.. “I don’t know why we broke up. We just agreed mutually.”

 

Til then..