Entry 595: 遇见 只为了能说再见

远距离的友情
相识 只为了分离
在最没准备下 听了一句你要离开这大家庭的消息
脸上傻笑着 不知道该用什么语言 来表达这怪怪的心情
不知道该用什么表情面对 你将不会再和我一起 跑步 吃饭 逛街 说笑 教书 的事实
人的一生 能合得来的人有几个
更何况是 同事兼朋友
即使有说有笑 也不能保证 会一直延续
今晚灰灰的天 更让我觉得心好空……

Entry 594: A reminder to myself.

There are many things that change over time. Gradually or drastically. Be it habitual or sudden.

When things happen, we blame ourselves and the ones that affected us. We try to find a way out to make ourselves feel better. We forgot the times we smiled, we loved, we treasured.

Humans change. Feelings change. When we get weary and dreadful of all the disagreements, how long more can we hold on? 

I've been through breakups. Most of us did. And of all the times we cried like hell, we pulled through. Here, some of us stood tall and happy again. Some of us go through the same hell over again. No matter where we are, we survived and will still survive. 

Love is fragile. Being together means more than just what we could define. 

Love is humble? No. It is selfish. 

Love is free? No. It binds us.

Love cares? No, it is more self-centered than we thought.

Love drives great stories? No. It doesn't always give us happily ever after.

Love is unconditional? No. It demands for returns.

Love means that differences can be worked out? No. It always remembers how much we have compromised.

Love is holding on and never letting go? No. This is abstract. Death is bigger than love.

Love is a promise? No. It breaks promises.

and it goes on..

Whatever positive definition you can think of, they always come with a 'but'. It's either here or there. 

It is not easy to love. It is even harder to stay together for the rest of our lifetime just dedicating our soul and heart to that special someone we vowed to be with till old age and death. 

I know, we have happy times, sad times.. I'm not trying to pull Love down. You can feel so loved and the next moment or years down the road, you start to realize, it takes more than just love. And yet, it can't survive without love. 

We can't forget the times we weren't supported, loved, cherished, committed, taken care of, accepted, understood, respected...We always remember those bad times cos their impact are always the greatest. Emptiness feels a million fold stronger than love. 

I am in no position to lecture about Love. I've stumbled and did lots of regretful stuff. I'm not an expert and will never be. I'm still trying.. and I don't know if that would happen to us. I told him, I wish we will never go that way. I hope we can go on and on, holding hands..

I've never dreamed of something bigger than having a happy family. As young as I am, I envisage being grandparents with him. I want us to witness the major phases of our children's growth. This, my greatest and biggest dream, with him, with myself, with them.

P.S: Remind yourself the vows exchanged, the happy moments shared..

Entry 593: 风 让我放松

今晚的我 竟然主动问老公要不要带女儿们下楼走走。
一到楼下，两人就直往商店去。我也跟着 买了我想买的^_^

坐在游乐场，吹着迎面而来的风
有种放松的感觉
就今晚 让我在这留下 这看似微不足道的记忆

晚安

Entry 592: Try.

when they come together.. A broken piece, a touch of the unspoken


"Take a breath, look into the mirror at yourself."
"Listening to the sound of my tears"
"More than a couple times"
"Even when it's not right"
"Some search, never finding a way"
"When hope begins to fade"
"Sadness is beautiful loneliness that's tragical"
"Pretending not to know the difference"

"When we were younger and free"
"We can make a million promises"
"Sweet destiny"
"Carried me through desperation"
"What we share is magic"
"Heaven had a plan"

***

Have been trying to change something. Keeping myself calmed and persevering.
Yet, sometimes I'm baffled. Disappointed at the same time how factors clash
How things affect the lives of humans. How opinions drown the world like water they drink.
I'm not regretting, I'm still trying. And I hope, one day, I'll see the fruit of my effort.

Entry 591: I am blessed

Times I feel neglected and less appreciated or loved..
I forgot the sheer fact that having you around is a blessing enough.
I would not have been more certain if I would marry someone else
And bore his children.
I have faith, because of you.

The sight of you and the children, bonding together.
The words you said with confidence that our daughters will tell you about their relationships instead of telling me.
The roles and responsibilities you took and shouldered to make future possible.
I do know, i really do.

In case I made you feel stressed out with all the big plans you have because I am still not thinking as deep as you, I'm sorry. I will try my best and we will make ends meet together. I believe, because we have walked this far..

You made me feel assured and I want this security throughout. I don't have to worry, oh, if I do have something, I lost to your games and children. Of course, work that you just have to follow up too but I understand (a bit) else we will have lesser income >.<

My love, my husband, father of my girls, my walking calculator, my seem-to-know-all encyclopedia~
Annoying still, not romantic and not showing enough affection~ but okay, I will forgive your flaws.


Xoxo
Wife

Entry 590: 原來 你要的一直是我改變什麼

不是我說到沒做到 為你改變了什麼 你只在乎我做到多少
是你不懂我 不了解從小學開始就喜歡天天往外跑的我
答應你的事 我也很努力的想要維持
不開心的時候 你只記得我對你承諾了什麼
是否曾想過 我一直以來都是這樣過的
從和你在一起到現在 我就一直問 今天出門嗎？
原來 你已忘了

我在乎我生活圈子的人 家人 親戚 朋友 同事
我也從不後悔 嫁的早 生的早 因為這都是一種福氣

問我有什麼嗜好 我說不上來
釣魚 電動踏板車
和你一起玩網上的角色扮演遊戲
為的是你還是我
我做的 你沒看見嗎 還是你已當作一切都是理所當然
說出心聲 你又會嘔氣 說把踏板車賣掉 或不用陪你一起 的話
所以乾脆不說了 在這宣洩就好

你不知道 你有很多 你從以前 就一直有的嗜好
遊戲 購買遊戲裡的東西 釣魚 和朋友喝咖啡聊天
還有個壞習慣 吸煙
我讓你 為我 停止什麼了嗎
只因為 我對你有足夠的信任
我們是要相守到老去的兩個人 若什麼都要強迫的改
那天天不都是地獄嗎
為什麼 就不能用會好好照顧自己的條件 來換取做自己喜歡的事的資格
原來 你要的一直是我改變什麼⋯

Entry 589: 真心假意

有時候會想 到底付出算什麼
一直付出的人 最終獲得了什麼
有些默默付出的人 看著 關心著
不顧一切的幫助和照顧著 為的是什麼
每個付出過的人都知道 就算付出了全部
也不代表會有收穫 不代表會有好結果
明明知道 卻不肯放
是執著堅強 還是固執任性

付出 就希望得到回報
口上說無所謂的人 更在意結果
或其實他們 已知道結果 卻不想結束一切
是好是壞也說不上
付出 對我 只是為了讓人注意到我
真心還是假意？
 真心付出 為的是不讓自己孤單 意 在何處...


我喜歡白馬 因為王子都是騎著白馬
但我更喜歡黑馬 那種感覺 帥氣 強悍
即使在黑暗裡 仍能適應一切 繼續勇敢的跑下去

黑馬，讓人看不出它受了多少傷...