Entry 563: They who did not receive our hands..

Ok, this is going to be long. But read on as I really wish to voice this out to the world.

I hate this sound. I shout and yell and scream when this buzz in my ear.

I can't take this change. Why is my routine disrupted?

I don't like this voice. It is shouting at me when I don't even know why.

I am hungry but the people couldn't understand me. I cry and cry and all they want is me to shut my mouth.

I am just expressing myself. Why do the people say I am misbehaving?

I am only showing my emotions. Why do the people say I am in the wrong?

Have you heard all these unspoken words?

Or have you heard them sounding for help in the people who have certain disorder?

A recent bus incident about a man who pushed down an old lady made me ponder a lil' deeper.

We arrowed the fault at the man who (by convention) IS in the wrong to do what he has done to the old lady, but we truly, did not understand and can NEVER understand his situation.

All we would say is that if he has the disorder, he should just stay at home. Or, probably, we would think that he made up the medical conditions to escape the blaming fingers from the people.

My husband told me this as we argued about people having disorders like this man. He insisted with the example that, "So if he were to kill someone, he could just escape with the sheer excuse that he is sick?" Then he added on, "If he knows he has a disorder, he should just stay home."

I was feeling a bit sad when I heard that. Yet, I couldn't deny the way he feels.

Allow me to share my own experience as a childcare teacher.

When I just took over the last batch of 4-years-old in 2011. I had a child with behavioural and speech issues, a child who refuses to respond to teachers or other adults besides his parents, a child who is very slow in his development and repeat questions instead of answering them, and.... a child with autism.

I took diploma in Early Childhood Education. I graduated with a GPA of 3.4. One of my modules covered special education. I raised the issue in one of my current studies assignment (graded A+)regarding a child who needs special attention in class but was neglected (a scene I saw with my own eyes during field practicum). I took the topic of "Inclusion" as my research topic with my group (another Grade A assignment). BUT, I couldn't say that I understand and is prepared to take on children who are not developing typically in a mainstream classroom. All I had attained.. was theory that I couldn't put into practice.

Let's just look at the small classroom of 20 children I had last year. I couldn't manage inclusion and I heard myself repeating, "Stay away from xxx, unless you want to be beaten by him." or "leave him alone" or even shouting at him to stop wailing. I failed to see his anxiety in any forms of changes or discomfort. I failed to include him. But I know, I can't blame myself totally. I am not a trained teacher in inclusion. I am not trained to take on children with special needs. I could only feel the ache and frustration, and there is only little I could contribute then.

But one thing this child has.. A caring, understanding and accepting parents. They know there is something amiss and they heed the advice to go to the doctors. He was disgnosed. They sent him to Pathlight, a special school. He progressed gradually and remarkably. He is one of my favourite student now and every new thing he learns amazes me and other teachers and staffs in the centre. He received the early intervention which we urge is crucial and vital.

Back to the general category, or should I say let us touch on the adults with disorder. We could be more accepting and forgiving towards the children. However, we blamed the adults who behaved in a way we couldn't accept. We shut them out of the world; we leave them out of the society; we blame them for stepping into the real world and inflicting hurt to others. We failed to see.. that we are all rotten deep down trying to exclude all the people who are not as 'typical' as us.

Don't tell me you could empathise. Empathy happens only if you could understand how it feels to be in the person's shoes. Do you have that disorder? Did you experience the kind of judgement and treatment like he/she did? If not, we really did not know and could not feel how it is like to be that person. What's more.. most of the people couldn't see the 'abnormalities' in others and judge them quickly as naughty or bad.

They are humans. They grow older just like us. They need to do something for a living. They don't always have someone to take care of them. Eventually, people who take care of them will leave (by accident, nature or other circumstances). We can't just ask them to stay home, can we?

So now, who to be blamed?

Society? Parents who denied their disorder when they were young? Themselves? Or the one who created them?

There is no definite answer. But for a start, dear parents.. do not stay in that denial stage for too long as it only hinders the growth and development of your child. It affects his future greatly and depends a lot whether he will be accepted and treated right when he grows up. You are the first person to reduce his agony in the near future, do not leave him in the lurch.

Entry 562: The third trim.

Another month more to the very special day!

Awaiting and anticipating the arrival of my lil girl.

Just feel like posting a simple entry about my third trimester.

Seriously, it isn't very ideal to give birth at this period where the weather is hot.

Plus, DIABLO 3 has successfully flooded minds of many people.

No, this is not random.

My hubby's CPU is releasing this heat which I can feel it warming up the whole room.

The wind isn't blowing into the room from the window and I'm having a hard time to sleep.

P.S. there is nothing wrong with the CPU.

Luckily, he has reached max level and won't be hardcore gaming til late night for now.

Gotta leave the room door open every night so that the ventilation is better.

Am wondering how contractions will be like (am I able to endure the pain?) since baby's right kick can already be quite painful.

There is this stretch of the baby to the right of my waist and it pokes out with a lil mini bump.

It could be painful when she stretches to the sides.

And she was mischievous last night. While I was lying on my left side, she kept poking to the left and I jerked -.-

Pregnancy is really an amazing process.

Time really flies.. Counting weeks and months and now, it's only another few weeks to go before she arrives into this world.

Thought of the nine months without menses and I bet Im gonna dread the heavy flow after giving birth! :x

Alright, I shall turn in to bed now since I always wake up in the middle of the night. Needa sleep early to make sure I have enough rest.

Goodnight dear readers! :D

Entry 561: It's in Him..

Pregnancy isn't a smooth process throughout. What's more when you have morning sickness or even down with bad cough and flu. But one thing I'm glad of.. he showed the concern and commitment :)

He didn't act it out.

He waits for me when he sees the wet floor. Even if he is carrying loads of stuffs, he will lift his elbow slightly to signal me to hold on to him.

He tries to sit in check-ups with me and he even asks questions. He told the gynae about my stretchmarks too! Not only so, he asked the gynae if there is any good brand of stretchmark cream, knowing that I'm already applying Bio Oil which my sis purchased for me. So now, I'm actually starting to use the stretchmark cream purchased from my gynae's clinic ^^

He stays home just to be with me when I'm too tired to go out. We led some kind of night life previously.. especially when weekends come around, going out during late nights and coming home at wee hours isn't anything special or out of the blue. But after my tummy gets bigger, and my physical health gets weaker, he will turn down any meetups (though I know he really wish to go out).

He wakes up in the middle of the night to fetch me water or prepare food if I'm hungry. He asks whenever I wake up and sit up in the middle of the night too.

He looks into the facebook group, Buzzy Tots, which his friends invited us into. He checks out the items and managed to got our baby girl a brand new pack of nappy cloth at a cheaper price. He also gotten her mittens and a diaper bag with warmer.

He shops baby stores and he initiates the shopping. He looks at the items in store and reads those necessities labels. He asks if I need more disposable breast pad, even though they are already included in the breast pump package we bought. He even kept saying I need the cooling pad to ease engorgement and kept asking if I want to get one. He looks at baby clothings and chooses cute mittens, booties, hats, towels, blankets, pacifier, etc for her. He is also, very, very into getting toys for her~! He said they will be stimulating to the child.

He waits for me to shop at the one stop baby store he saw at JB (I was at work when he went JB with his parents in the afternoon). He types down the list of milk powders and the price and even told me that the price is cheaper! He compared one of the brands and he actually knew the rough price of that milk powder brand when I know nothing :/ He took the breastfeeding cloth when we were shopping at the JB store and said I would need it. He even searched for the brand of baby sling which another Mommy on Buzzy Tot recommended to him. In addition, he looks into buying a bumper as he insists that there are some metal rods by the sides of the playpen and it will be better to get a bumper. And, he looks at cute designs of course :D

He asks me to trim my fingernails when he sees me applying the newly purchased stretchmark cream. He warned me not to scratch it and 'threatens' jokingly to tie up my hands if I do so. He told me to apply a lil' more cream instead if it gets itchy.

He asks first before purchasing any herbal teas. He ensures that it is safe for consumption during pregnancy.

....

I sense it in him. The kind of commitment.. the effort he puts in. They are not of a fake concern.

Probably, you might say he is just excited as a first-time dad. But I reckon, he is going to be a great daddy who takes care of his child. It is something in him which make me feel so. He shows those concern genuinely and it is just... it's just in him. Something that comes up from the inner self. (if you get what I mean)

I don't have a romantic proposal, a gorgeous wedding dinner, a luxurious apartment. But I know what I do have.. and I'm very much contented. A family I call my own. Supportive family members, relatives and friends. Without them, it isn't going to be easy too. And here, I really gotta say a BIG BIG  "Thank You" !

To all mommies-to-be, have a smooth delivery! Cheers!

Entry 560: The moment monetary claims succeed, you lost that person forever..

This goes out to everyone who has a heart to love and to hate.

I was glad. I didn't make that move in the end. Cos if I did, we wouldn't be together now, and wouldn't have walked thus far with the joy of a new member in less than two months time.

My blueprint? Love VS Money

Nono.. not the typical "must find a guy with stable income to secure your future or family etc."

This is about the claims you'd probably seek for when things turn nasty. Be it a break up or.. divorce.

Some people find it 'rightful' to claim back what he/she deserves. Most of the times, you see girls doing so. But you can't deny guys nowadays are getting a lil 'petty' too. You find yourself betrayed by your loved one. You think you havve given it all but he/she repaid you in such an unacceptable manner. You seek for the least bit of comfort cos you couldn't salvage the feelings he/she had lost in you -  through money/materials.

Some friends who heard your side of story might sympathise you and encourage you to go all out for the best material/money compensation you could get. But do they know the true story behind the crack of this relationship? The cause of failure? Benefits of doubts ;)

Even in an adultery, who is to be blamed? The one obviously at fault - the one who committed the mistake. Yet in the other perspective, why would he/she be doing so if love still exists between the main parties? Haven't thought of that yet? Think twice before you think your friend is 'poor thing' because her husband cheated on her OR his wife made him a cuckold. We act differently in front of people. Never assume what you see is really what you get 100%. We're masked. We're good actors and actresses ^^

I read articles about that 44 men charged for prostitution of an underaged girl. I read FB status of a guy whose 'ex' girlfriend asked him to return gifts she gave and even to the extend of taking them back without his presence at his house.

For the latter, do you think that is ethical? I mean, to get into the house to take back what you gift? Wow.. I really agreed with that guy who posted "I didnt know presents that you gave out can be taken back". FYI, the guy was willing to return all the items. Cant she make it legal and opened? Instead of such sneaky act? Shame on her.

No matter how 'right' you are to take back anything or ask for any compensation, don't do it in the illegal way. You think it is lawful? Let me emphasize again, it is still a crime for certain acts you did.

(and Im refering to someone I know of)

Anyway, the moment you 'succeed' in getting what you 'deserved', you have disgusted the person to the max. Even if you claim you still have feelings for that guy/girl, it's the end. Why do i say so? Impression changes. The used to be angel impression of you would turn into an evil ruthless devil when his/her friends/relatives and even direct family members heard about the things you did just because things turn sour. It could be beyond salvage, but save some pride for yourself. Don't make yourself such a loser in a relationship. You ain't the winner just because you get that monetary gain.

Enough said. Headache is gonna act up if i continue.. Gonna rest~

Take care everyone!

Entry 559: The events of current life..

Kick start with a uber photoshopped photo!

=D

Went to Vivo for dinner with Hubby's friends..

Geof and his GF, his bro Daniel, Hubby, Shaun, Sawn

And a closer view..^^

Headed to Plasma KTV pub to slack..

Geof, Francis, and Colin :)

Steve and Ignatius joined in the picture!

Candice, me and Janet

The Singapore flag..

With Hubby's face as red as tomato..

He has some real good blood circulation.. LOL

This new contact lens and the flash makes my eyes looked forcibly opened..

Didnt minimize the eyes here ><

I actually did to the one above!

Cos it looks too scary :/

How honest can I be? LMAO.

Went to KK's family chalet the following weekend..

Ignatius and GF, KK.

And it was her bro's birthday too!

Enough pics..

Just a little sharing after so long ..

Monday blues is over!

Hopefully the week will be smooth-going~~

Anyway, I'll need some serious gathering with the sisters clique of mine.

If no one is against it, I hope I'll be able to organise a 'reunion' with the other girls that were previously in the 'gang'.

Put aside the unhappiness just for a simple gathering. After all these times, shouldn't we set ourselves free too? We can't wait til everyone starts to leave for good to realise life is too short to bear grudges. Aint it true? ;)

Girls, including WZ, if none of you are against it.. let's meet up real soon k!



Gonna slp soon.

Nights!

Entry 558: She left.. for too many causes we reckon.

The judges

The critique

The mistakes

The lost of friends

The doubts of people

The jealousy of some

The debts of loved ones

The lost in faith and hope..

She left without a known cause.

She left without a proper farewell.

Still, I can't accept the way she chose to set herself free.

A way I never regard as solving the problems in life.

But probably, she feels better and in peace, in that other land.

People and the environment affect our way of living.

Just like how threads go on and on to criticize you, words of encouragement never diminish too.

 We just gotta look at things from different views isnt it?

Unless, you're as stubborn to think that things are deemed to be this bad since decades ago and will be too now, when we're far ahead in this century.

Simply put, you can't adapt to the changing environment.

 Instead of putting the blame on anyone, why not accept the way humans are?

Different, that is.

We don't react the same way.

We don't act or talk the same way.

We don't write the same way.

We don't think or feel the same way.

We don't love the same way.

We don't show affections in the same way.

and the list goes on..

But at least, we have one thing in common.

We only have a life to live.

After she is gone..I realised..

That I have spent too much time harpping onto the past and what she did that make me upset.

What was the point, seriously?

To make myself feel better?

To get same sentiments or agreements?

I was wrong.

It didnt feel any better.

What's more when she is gone for good.

We lost what we used to cherish.

And now, it's gone forever.

I don't even get to see that so called "10 years down the road"..

There isn't any other possibility to mend things back cos she has left us and this world.

It still feels unreal..

Every day, I wake up thinking of all the "Why-s".

Somehow.. It's harder to get over with, without knowing the cause..

Just some words for those who feel stressed up in life:

There will be times we can't let go of the past experiences or events which make us rather upset. It could still feel miserable simply at the thought of it but think twice, they shaped your thinking, don't they?

You just need to be aware that all the ups and downs are not meant to kill you. They are there to make you realise that good things don't always happen without effort or hardwork. You have to cross that hurdle and be stronger than you are right now. Constantly building up the courage to face all the obstacles and be positive to open a better path for yourself and your loved ones.

Time might devour the hopes you used to have, but time might also show you the process and worth. Take a step back to think of things in different perspectives and choose the one which will push you forward.

Try to churn all the critques, judgements, and mistakes into a source of energy to become a better person. Afterall, we're humans, not saint. Humans definitely make mistakes in life and this is when you have to decide another path to walk. There isn't a real blockage or dead end in life. And death - it is never a good solution to any problems. You will only be leaving the heartaches to others.

Last but not least, the reason why I'm still updating once in awhile and not deleting this despite some nasty comments about me and the way I present my thoughts and feelings..

It's because I believe in this space I call my own. I don't privatize it cos I wanted to be heard and known. I don't want to bottle things up in me and make myself a timed bomb. It doesn't matter who read my posts or what comments I'll fetch, I just need this space to rant, to share, to let out..

And I hope everyone else could have their own space to write too.. especially if you feel that you have no one else to turn to to share your troubles..

That said, I have to turn in to bed now..

Goodnight earthlings..

Be strong.



Entry 557: To concerned HWZ netizens.

Yes, I'm married. And I'm pregnant. I'm carrying our dearest dragon baby who will be received with joy by my family members, and most excited of all, his dad is anticipating his arrival :D

The fact is, we wanted to have our own baby.

And yes, we were not married then to begin with.

But we tried anyways and expectedly, we succeeded ^^

Of course, it wasn't easy to go through the arrangements and everything as we were young and without official status.

But our parents were supportive and they accepted us.
My dad even said that he wanted to bring his grandchild out and I'll probably get a motor car for the toddler when he grows older to play with it.

My grandma told my mom to bring home the baby bathtub and potty to prepare for days where he would stay at my mom's house. He needs to bathe and all right? ^^

I told my mom I wanted a pillow to counter my uncomfortable sitting on the bus and she made one right away and it was done the next day.

My dad bought four bottles of sesame oil to cater to my confinement needs and another bottle of some kind of white beads (white choc chip lookalike) for baby.

My mom-in-law looked up her gynae to attend to my check-ups and she accompanied me to all the appointments, together with my hubby.

My dad-in-law told me that now I have to eat double and I should put on weight. He even asked if I did take the supplements cos he did not see me taking.

My sister was disappointed with my answer of "likely to be a boy" cos she thought she could get those pretty girl's wear which she eyed on.

My sister joked and asked me to keep my tummy. She said I pushed out my tummy on purpose LOL

My uncle scolded me when I drank soup right after eating ice cream.

My aunt asked if I throw up a lot cos I did not look like I put on weight then.

My hubby would ask me to eat more and be cautious as my slippers have lesser friction.

My hubby would even apply stretch mark cream for me before I go to sleep.

There are a lot more who care about me.

And who has accepted this soon-to-arrive child.

No qualms that he is a child wanted.

Just that we did not really plan the rest until we have him.

But he was a desired dragon.

Our much wanted baby :D

He will be a new addition and he will complete my dream of having a family before the age of 25.

Now, I say I have my happiness.

Nothing in the past affects me now, cos they made me stronger.

So continue with some of your fantasizes of whoever you like.

And continue debating who is better..

That thread is nothing but words of people who can't feel true happiness from family <3