Entry 564: The first Friday of my leave..

Went JB yesterday and while waiting for his dad's car to be washed, he received a call to work at night again.

This time round, I didn't feel that upset. Probably cos he had accompanied me the whole day.

However, things didn't really turn out to be as what we expected. He called about two hours after he left house to inform me that he would be working til 6-7am. The fortunate thing is he will not be working today. (hopefully not night again)

He is still not back yet, still on his way.. bought breakfast back for the family.

I do want him to be hardworking and not slack when it comes to work, but I just don't like night shifts! I don't get to sleep well without him and I wake up every now and then to check on my phone.

Just dread this night work thought.


Woke up around 3-4am and have been awake since.. vacuumed the room again and changed the hamsters' bedding and food. Still thinking of him.. wondering what time he will reach home..

Sometimes, I just wish he could realise.. how much I need him by my side. Yeps, I'm reliant on him.
I just don't wanna lose him anymore. I want him to know just how much I love him, and how much I will cherish him and our relationship (after all that has happened)..




Missing him..

Entry 565: The advanced maternity leave .. 1st and 2nd day

Yesterday, I was bored the whole morning. Managed to do some sorting of sun-dried beansprout husks from the leaves to kill time. It was only until 4pm that my mom decided to go and take her shower and we headed to Lot1 Shopper Mall for some grocery shopping.

Reached home at about 7pm and I thought my hubby would be knocking off to accompany me. Sadly, while having dinner with his friend, he received a call asking if he could work extra. He told me it is for the sake of the baby and a return of favour for his 'superior'. So, I think I didn't have any choice either. Held back my tears and kept sticking onto him while he was eating and smoking (i didnt inhale his cigg's). I'm really a glue when it comes to separation. I don't like it at all.

Seeing him off at the door was terrible. Down goes the curve of my lips.. and tears rolled down after he disappeared from the edge of the wall. To you, it may seem stupid. But I was waiting the whole day for him to come home and the very thing I know next was an extra work til "earliest 2 to 3am" (replied by his friend). It was only going 9pm when he got that call.

Oh well, it has passed and I was glad he managed to wake up for work this morning! Just a lil heartache to see him getting this bit of rest :(



Anyways, today is the second day of my advanced maternity leave. My estimated due date is 27 June, but I just can't wait! I want it to come out quickly!

Woke up at 9am and lazed for an hour before getting up. Washed up and breakfast was ready! (thanks to my mom-in-law who boiled and fried potato with egg)

Vacuumed the floor and did a quick vacuum of the table top and other areas as my parents-in-law wanted to head out for some light lunch! Had some laughs about the names over lunch with them.. Should be coming down with some serious business of my babygirl's name soon!

PIL felt that I would be bored at home so they decided to 'take me' for a walk at Bangkit's market before going home. Really appreciated the thought of concern ;)



The most satisfying part of the day was the cleaning up of the room. I wiped the surfaces of the cupboard, glass, fans, and WALLS!! I shouldn't be climbing but the cleanliness after doing the cleaning made me feel so happy! :D Not just so, I washed some baby towels and bibs too!

Time passed quickly today and I didn't lament that much over boredom. Something good! Hopefully tomorrow will be alright too. Staying home just isn't my style. I need to 'run'! haha

Shall be blogging every day since I have nothing better to do other than upkeeping the cleanliness of the room.

Babygirl oh babygirl.. just when are you arriving to this world~~

Entry 564: The purpose of an online space..

Well, something which triggered me to think for several times.

Why do you privatize online networks or spaces?

Well, I could understand if you have overwhelming number of people or strangers adding you over in Facebook. You limit the access and set permissions for adding as you do not wish to have people you do not know in the network.

However, sometimes it seems to defeat the purpose of the set-up of the network isnt it? Social networking ... as it suggests.. means to bring together people with mostly common interests etc.

But if you don't start chatting and all, how would you know the two of you, strangers, could become best pals with same thinkings and sharings?

Take instagram for the first example.

This application allows you to snap photos, edit and add captions and tags to it to show the WORLD. If you just want to show your friends, relatives and family, why not just send them the pic? -,- instead of creating an account and go through some kind of hassle in setting privacy.. wait.. you mean you can't let people see photos of the scenery you caught in picture? You mean you are shy to show the public your camwhoring pictures? Oh.. save it please.. if you're afraid.. just look into the mirror and pose without the need to snap. You can enjoy quite a bit already I reckon.

What about blogs?

If you want to privatize, why not just get a diary? Save the electricity. Save the account set-up timing. Save the trouble to pimp your site. How much does your diary need to cost? Get an exercise book and wrap or design it just like what most people have done in primary and secondary school! Easy and cheap! No one will intrude your privacy cos you will probably hide your diary well. If you think you need some people to know, text them or something. Isn't that easier? Instead of needing you to invite them to view your stuffs online.. again, going through the hassle of signing into email accounts, clicking on your mail, and clicking on the link you sent which would grant permission to access to your blog -.- Hilarious.. Is there something you're afraid others might know? Like I mentioned, write on the exercise book then.

I have never set my accounts on private before. Not that I am flawless and nothing to be exposed. Every human make mistakes.. I can confess, admit and I have the guts to show. I don't deny to cover up my ass. I shit and I tell the world. Why? Cos I believe in realising what is wrong.. or right and confession is not notorious. Confession can lead to some kind of enlightenment at times too ;)

Anyways, this is just a personal opinion.. You can beg to defer! ^^

Entry 563: They who did not receive our hands..

Ok, this is going to be long. But read on as I really wish to voice this out to the world.

I hate this sound. I shout and yell and scream when this buzz in my ear.

I can't take this change. Why is my routine disrupted?

I don't like this voice. It is shouting at me when I don't even know why.

I am hungry but the people couldn't understand me. I cry and cry and all they want is me to shut my mouth.

I am just expressing myself. Why do the people say I am misbehaving?

I am only showing my emotions. Why do the people say I am in the wrong?

Have you heard all these unspoken words?

Or have you heard them sounding for help in the people who have certain disorder?

A recent bus incident about a man who pushed down an old lady made me ponder a lil' deeper.

We arrowed the fault at the man who (by convention) IS in the wrong to do what he has done to the old lady, but we truly, did not understand and can NEVER understand his situation.

All we would say is that if he has the disorder, he should just stay at home. Or, probably, we would think that he made up the medical conditions to escape the blaming fingers from the people.

My husband told me this as we argued about people having disorders like this man. He insisted with the example that, "So if he were to kill someone, he could just escape with the sheer excuse that he is sick?" Then he added on, "If he knows he has a disorder, he should just stay home."

I was feeling a bit sad when I heard that. Yet, I couldn't deny the way he feels.

Allow me to share my own experience as a childcare teacher.

When I just took over the last batch of 4-years-old in 2011. I had a child with behavioural and speech issues, a child who refuses to respond to teachers or other adults besides his parents, a child who is very slow in his development and repeat questions instead of answering them, and.... a child with autism.

I took diploma in Early Childhood Education. I graduated with a GPA of 3.4. One of my modules covered special education. I raised the issue in one of my current studies assignment (graded A+)regarding a child who needs special attention in class but was neglected (a scene I saw with my own eyes during field practicum). I took the topic of "Inclusion" as my research topic with my group (another Grade A assignment). BUT, I couldn't say that I understand and is prepared to take on children who are not developing typically in a mainstream classroom. All I had attained.. was theory that I couldn't put into practice.

Let's just look at the small classroom of 20 children I had last year. I couldn't manage inclusion and I heard myself repeating, "Stay away from xxx, unless you want to be beaten by him." or "leave him alone" or even shouting at him to stop wailing. I failed to see his anxiety in any forms of changes or discomfort. I failed to include him. But I know, I can't blame myself totally. I am not a trained teacher in inclusion. I am not trained to take on children with special needs. I could only feel the ache and frustration, and there is only little I could contribute then.

But one thing this child has.. A caring, understanding and accepting parents. They know there is something amiss and they heed the advice to go to the doctors. He was disgnosed. They sent him to Pathlight, a special school. He progressed gradually and remarkably. He is one of my favourite student now and every new thing he learns amazes me and other teachers and staffs in the centre. He received the early intervention which we urge is crucial and vital.

Back to the general category, or should I say let us touch on the adults with disorder. We could be more accepting and forgiving towards the children. However, we blamed the adults who behaved in a way we couldn't accept. We shut them out of the world; we leave them out of the society; we blame them for stepping into the real world and inflicting hurt to others. We failed to see.. that we are all rotten deep down trying to exclude all the people who are not as 'typical' as us.

Don't tell me you could empathise. Empathy happens only if you could understand how it feels to be in the person's shoes. Do you have that disorder? Did you experience the kind of judgement and treatment like he/she did? If not, we really did not know and could not feel how it is like to be that person. What's more.. most of the people couldn't see the 'abnormalities' in others and judge them quickly as naughty or bad.

They are humans. They grow older just like us. They need to do something for a living. They don't always have someone to take care of them. Eventually, people who take care of them will leave (by accident, nature or other circumstances). We can't just ask them to stay home, can we?

So now, who to be blamed?

Society? Parents who denied their disorder when they were young? Themselves? Or the one who created them?

There is no definite answer. But for a start, dear parents.. do not stay in that denial stage for too long as it only hinders the growth and development of your child. It affects his future greatly and depends a lot whether he will be accepted and treated right when he grows up. You are the first person to reduce his agony in the near future, do not leave him in the lurch.

Entry 562: The third trim.

Another month more to the very special day!

Awaiting and anticipating the arrival of my lil girl.

Just feel like posting a simple entry about my third trimester.

Seriously, it isn't very ideal to give birth at this period where the weather is hot.

Plus, DIABLO 3 has successfully flooded minds of many people.

No, this is not random.

My hubby's CPU is releasing this heat which I can feel it warming up the whole room.

The wind isn't blowing into the room from the window and I'm having a hard time to sleep.

P.S. there is nothing wrong with the CPU.

Luckily, he has reached max level and won't be hardcore gaming til late night for now.

Gotta leave the room door open every night so that the ventilation is better.

Am wondering how contractions will be like (am I able to endure the pain?) since baby's right kick can already be quite painful.

There is this stretch of the baby to the right of my waist and it pokes out with a lil mini bump.

It could be painful when she stretches to the sides.

And she was mischievous last night. While I was lying on my left side, she kept poking to the left and I jerked -.-

Pregnancy is really an amazing process.

Time really flies.. Counting weeks and months and now, it's only another few weeks to go before she arrives into this world.

Thought of the nine months without menses and I bet Im gonna dread the heavy flow after giving birth! :x

Alright, I shall turn in to bed now since I always wake up in the middle of the night. Needa sleep early to make sure I have enough rest.

Goodnight dear readers! :D

Entry 561: It's in Him..

Pregnancy isn't a smooth process throughout. What's more when you have morning sickness or even down with bad cough and flu. But one thing I'm glad of.. he showed the concern and commitment :)

He didn't act it out.

He waits for me when he sees the wet floor. Even if he is carrying loads of stuffs, he will lift his elbow slightly to signal me to hold on to him.

He tries to sit in check-ups with me and he even asks questions. He told the gynae about my stretchmarks too! Not only so, he asked the gynae if there is any good brand of stretchmark cream, knowing that I'm already applying Bio Oil which my sis purchased for me. So now, I'm actually starting to use the stretchmark cream purchased from my gynae's clinic ^^

He stays home just to be with me when I'm too tired to go out. We led some kind of night life previously.. especially when weekends come around, going out during late nights and coming home at wee hours isn't anything special or out of the blue. But after my tummy gets bigger, and my physical health gets weaker, he will turn down any meetups (though I know he really wish to go out).

He wakes up in the middle of the night to fetch me water or prepare food if I'm hungry. He asks whenever I wake up and sit up in the middle of the night too.

He looks into the facebook group, Buzzy Tots, which his friends invited us into. He checks out the items and managed to got our baby girl a brand new pack of nappy cloth at a cheaper price. He also gotten her mittens and a diaper bag with warmer.

He shops baby stores and he initiates the shopping. He looks at the items in store and reads those necessities labels. He asks if I need more disposable breast pad, even though they are already included in the breast pump package we bought. He even kept saying I need the cooling pad to ease engorgement and kept asking if I want to get one. He looks at baby clothings and chooses cute mittens, booties, hats, towels, blankets, pacifier, etc for her. He is also, very, very into getting toys for her~! He said they will be stimulating to the child.

He waits for me to shop at the one stop baby store he saw at JB (I was at work when he went JB with his parents in the afternoon). He types down the list of milk powders and the price and even told me that the price is cheaper! He compared one of the brands and he actually knew the rough price of that milk powder brand when I know nothing :/ He took the breastfeeding cloth when we were shopping at the JB store and said I would need it. He even searched for the brand of baby sling which another Mommy on Buzzy Tot recommended to him. In addition, he looks into buying a bumper as he insists that there are some metal rods by the sides of the playpen and it will be better to get a bumper. And, he looks at cute designs of course :D

He asks me to trim my fingernails when he sees me applying the newly purchased stretchmark cream. He warned me not to scratch it and 'threatens' jokingly to tie up my hands if I do so. He told me to apply a lil' more cream instead if it gets itchy.

He asks first before purchasing any herbal teas. He ensures that it is safe for consumption during pregnancy.

....

I sense it in him. The kind of commitment.. the effort he puts in. They are not of a fake concern.

Probably, you might say he is just excited as a first-time dad. But I reckon, he is going to be a great daddy who takes care of his child. It is something in him which make me feel so. He shows those concern genuinely and it is just... it's just in him. Something that comes up from the inner self. (if you get what I mean)

I don't have a romantic proposal, a gorgeous wedding dinner, a luxurious apartment. But I know what I do have.. and I'm very much contented. A family I call my own. Supportive family members, relatives and friends. Without them, it isn't going to be easy too. And here, I really gotta say a BIG BIG  "Thank You" !

To all mommies-to-be, have a smooth delivery! Cheers!

Entry 560: The moment monetary claims succeed, you lost that person forever..

This goes out to everyone who has a heart to love and to hate.

I was glad. I didn't make that move in the end. Cos if I did, we wouldn't be together now, and wouldn't have walked thus far with the joy of a new member in less than two months time.

My blueprint? Love VS Money

Nono.. not the typical "must find a guy with stable income to secure your future or family etc."

This is about the claims you'd probably seek for when things turn nasty. Be it a break up or.. divorce.

Some people find it 'rightful' to claim back what he/she deserves. Most of the times, you see girls doing so. But you can't deny guys nowadays are getting a lil 'petty' too. You find yourself betrayed by your loved one. You think you havve given it all but he/she repaid you in such an unacceptable manner. You seek for the least bit of comfort cos you couldn't salvage the feelings he/she had lost in you -  through money/materials.

Some friends who heard your side of story might sympathise you and encourage you to go all out for the best material/money compensation you could get. But do they know the true story behind the crack of this relationship? The cause of failure? Benefits of doubts ;)

Even in an adultery, who is to be blamed? The one obviously at fault - the one who committed the mistake. Yet in the other perspective, why would he/she be doing so if love still exists between the main parties? Haven't thought of that yet? Think twice before you think your friend is 'poor thing' because her husband cheated on her OR his wife made him a cuckold. We act differently in front of people. Never assume what you see is really what you get 100%. We're masked. We're good actors and actresses ^^

I read articles about that 44 men charged for prostitution of an underaged girl. I read FB status of a guy whose 'ex' girlfriend asked him to return gifts she gave and even to the extend of taking them back without his presence at his house.

For the latter, do you think that is ethical? I mean, to get into the house to take back what you gift? Wow.. I really agreed with that guy who posted "I didnt know presents that you gave out can be taken back". FYI, the guy was willing to return all the items. Cant she make it legal and opened? Instead of such sneaky act? Shame on her.

No matter how 'right' you are to take back anything or ask for any compensation, don't do it in the illegal way. You think it is lawful? Let me emphasize again, it is still a crime for certain acts you did.

(and Im refering to someone I know of)

Anyway, the moment you 'succeed' in getting what you 'deserved', you have disgusted the person to the max. Even if you claim you still have feelings for that guy/girl, it's the end. Why do i say so? Impression changes. The used to be angel impression of you would turn into an evil ruthless devil when his/her friends/relatives and even direct family members heard about the things you did just because things turn sour. It could be beyond salvage, but save some pride for yourself. Don't make yourself such a loser in a relationship. You ain't the winner just because you get that monetary gain.

Enough said. Headache is gonna act up if i continue.. Gonna rest~

Take care everyone!