Once in a while, I will browse through my blog and read and recall what happened in my life. It isn't too difficult to update in this manner. Cos I only pen down when I really have things bothering me or have been bothering me for long enough to make me blog it.
And so... Pregnancy isn't a all-wonderful and all-amazing journey. It isn't always sweetness (for me) and being EXTRA paranoid seems to be affecting us a lot. It feels like I'm gonna push him further away if it does turn out to be an argument, worse, a heated one. But I'm glad, none really got that bad. (I hope none will even in the future)
My confidence level plunge. My self-esteem and self-worth seem to decrease a whole lot. I can figure out some of the causes but I just can't bring myself to make changes every day. Considering that a pregnant wife should be the one forgiven and understood, instead of the one making compromises. Yes, relationship works two ways. But I can't deny I still need that bit of assurance and security to pull through this phase AGAIN. This isn't my first pregnancy, and I shouldn't be that fearful. But honestly, I fear more now then I previously had during my first pregnancy. I was more cheerful and more energetic and active. But now, I'm just slipping in my big and comfy or auntie or mismatch pieces that even I kinda get turn off at times. I don't wanna look into the mirror cos I can't stand the haggard look. But one thing after my stormy days, I begin to love the hassle-free naked face, especially when I wanna catch extra minutes to sleep or rest or when I'm in a hurry or when the weather is really damn damn hot and humid.
Well, I guess I'm just not into dolling up in this long 40weeks period. I can't stand the oil secretion after certain hours with the cosmetics on my face. My face seems to be screaming for help!!
I think Faith is going to be a brave and strong girl. For whatever negative feelings I have, I persuade myself everything's gonna be alright. I will make my way back to the confident and outgoing me, in a good way of course. Im weak-minded. I admit. And I can't stand slight betrayal or negligence now. There are things I can't guarantee. History repeats itself when you do not learn your mistakes and find solutions to prevent it from happening again.
Words are cheap. Promises are shallow. The only substance is to continuously show and prove yourself worth.
That said, I am motivated to regain my confidence and be proud of myself as a mom of two. Daddy of two, I gave away my youth and figure for their existence. Please take good care of my like how you will to the two of them.
Love,
Wayne.