Entry 565: The very day.. she came into this world..

22nd June 2012, Friday

Hubby accompanied me home for some dumplings. Before I got off the car, I felt something weird. A slight menstrual ache at my abdomen. It wasn't anything close to the kind of contractions people have been telling me.

Went up to my mom's place and noticed that I was having menses! Which probably meant that I could be in labour within these few days as told by my mom. Didn't want to tell Hubby's parents about the menses as Hubby needed to drive to work and telling that would mean that he has to take public transport.

Well, a moment after Hubby left house, my MIL saw me with a sanitary pad and asked if I was bleeding there. She called the clinic and managed to get in contact with my gynae, Dr Ooi, who told her to bring me to the hospital. FIL called my hubby to come back and we took all that was pre-packed for the hospital stay. Hubby drove our moms and I to Mount E.

Didn't feel any bad ache but it felt exactly like when I was having menses. The sour sour feeling at the lower abdomen. Well, I was pushed to the delivery suite in a wheelchair as the nurse insisted that I have to be.

(9+pm) No one else was allowed into the suite except for my hubby. The cramp started getting more obvious.

I laid on the bed and was put on some devices to check the frequency and intensity of the contractions, as well as, the heartbeat of my baby girl.

The contractions started to get more intensified, with the meter showing 100+ max. Whenever it hit over 50, I'd start to feel the tightening of my lower abdomen, together with some sore feeling. Overnight, the contractions got regular with a 15minutes interval.


23rd June 2012, Saturday

Could still walk and move around until a while after the gynae burst my water bag at 10am the next morning. He told me that this could speed up the labour time. However, my cervix did not dilate any further than 3cm until the afternoon which only hit 5cm. They did a drip on me to speed up the dilating process (which also means stronger contractions to be experienced). By then it was too painful as the contractions were closer and more intensed, with the maximum intensity recorded 120-130. I finally agreed to having some pain relief - an injection at the bum!

My cervix did not dilate even with the drip. It was already 7pm and I was seriously in a bad shape because of the pain. I couldn't talk to anyone who wished to talk to me on the phone - my MIL and mom. I couldn't respond much to my hubby too. I didn't want to touch my phone at all, not to mention replying any messages! My hubby was the one doing the job in replying.

I gave in and took the epidural. My gynae said I was tough to have endured the pain for so long. My hubby asked the doctor who gave me the epidural, the side effects of this injection - long and short term. I couldn't quite listen to what she said and all I know was "I need to get it injected". I couldn't take the pain no longer and I know it was not gonna help the dilating process. If I don't make this decision, I would have gone into a c-section delivery. It was about 8pm plus when I had the epidural injected. The contraction interval was already once every <5min. That pain was beyond imagination. Not that I have a low pain threshold. (if I had, I wouldn't have endured so long)

I cried to Hubby and held his hand real tight. I cried as the gynae check the cervix when it was still 5cm at 8plus. It was that check which made me surrender to epidural. However, I smiled after the injection. I couldn't feel the contractions anymore and I could finally breathe and rest awhile. Soon, a nurse came in to check the cervix at approx. 10pm and she told me it had dilated to 9cm. I was so happy. She called Dr Ooi and he came to deliver the baby at 11pm.

The epidural helped me relaxed and that was why my cervix could open up. Being too tensed will hinder the opening of the cervix, and the longer time I take, the more it will make the baby feel distress. Which, of course, can be very dangerous.

The pushing process was swift as I couldn't feel any pain. It was numbed and all I see was the reflection of my baby coming out ! haha~! Hubby was not taken aback by the sight and he said it wasn't scary or that bloody. He was actually doubting the midwife who told him that something black at the opening was the baby's head. He looked again to double confirm. He was a helper in the delivery suite. During the process of labour and before.

(11.20pm) Finally the 'fight' was over. Baby came out safely! A moment ago, I was still smiling and laughing away during the pushing as hubby was quite funny during the process. The next moment, I was so drained, tired and cold. Hubby told me that he talked to me but I didn't reply him. But when the nurse asked me questions, I could reply. HAHA! I seriously didn't know that. :/

Not gonna elaborate on what's next. This post is meant to show how tough it can get during the contractions and labour. Oh, there are things about after labour!! The stitches which affected my mobility!! I AM still in pain! And the first time I got off the ward bed to the toilet, I actually had a black out. Luckily a nurse was with me. I gave her a fright too! :X

Everyone has a different threshold of pain. I believe I have a slightly higher than average tolerance. BUT, labour pain is just too much. Imagine the frequency and intensity of the contractions.. If I have dilated faster, I wouldn't be in so much pain. I wouldn't have taken epidural which many people suggested not to. But here, I am really thankful I took it. It prevented a C-section and I managed to have a normal delivery.

Anyways, thanks to all the people who congratulated me for the arrival of my babygirl, Claire.
She is a wonder and a gift.

Needa go rest awhile before feeding her again.. Ciaos!

Entry 564: The first Friday of my leave..

Went JB yesterday and while waiting for his dad's car to be washed, he received a call to work at night again.

This time round, I didn't feel that upset. Probably cos he had accompanied me the whole day.

However, things didn't really turn out to be as what we expected. He called about two hours after he left house to inform me that he would be working til 6-7am. The fortunate thing is he will not be working today. (hopefully not night again)

He is still not back yet, still on his way.. bought breakfast back for the family.

I do want him to be hardworking and not slack when it comes to work, but I just don't like night shifts! I don't get to sleep well without him and I wake up every now and then to check on my phone.

Just dread this night work thought.


Woke up around 3-4am and have been awake since.. vacuumed the room again and changed the hamsters' bedding and food. Still thinking of him.. wondering what time he will reach home..

Sometimes, I just wish he could realise.. how much I need him by my side. Yeps, I'm reliant on him.
I just don't wanna lose him anymore. I want him to know just how much I love him, and how much I will cherish him and our relationship (after all that has happened)..




Missing him..

Entry 565: The advanced maternity leave .. 1st and 2nd day

Yesterday, I was bored the whole morning. Managed to do some sorting of sun-dried beansprout husks from the leaves to kill time. It was only until 4pm that my mom decided to go and take her shower and we headed to Lot1 Shopper Mall for some grocery shopping.

Reached home at about 7pm and I thought my hubby would be knocking off to accompany me. Sadly, while having dinner with his friend, he received a call asking if he could work extra. He told me it is for the sake of the baby and a return of favour for his 'superior'. So, I think I didn't have any choice either. Held back my tears and kept sticking onto him while he was eating and smoking (i didnt inhale his cigg's). I'm really a glue when it comes to separation. I don't like it at all.

Seeing him off at the door was terrible. Down goes the curve of my lips.. and tears rolled down after he disappeared from the edge of the wall. To you, it may seem stupid. But I was waiting the whole day for him to come home and the very thing I know next was an extra work til "earliest 2 to 3am" (replied by his friend). It was only going 9pm when he got that call.

Oh well, it has passed and I was glad he managed to wake up for work this morning! Just a lil heartache to see him getting this bit of rest :(



Anyways, today is the second day of my advanced maternity leave. My estimated due date is 27 June, but I just can't wait! I want it to come out quickly!

Woke up at 9am and lazed for an hour before getting up. Washed up and breakfast was ready! (thanks to my mom-in-law who boiled and fried potato with egg)

Vacuumed the floor and did a quick vacuum of the table top and other areas as my parents-in-law wanted to head out for some light lunch! Had some laughs about the names over lunch with them.. Should be coming down with some serious business of my babygirl's name soon!

PIL felt that I would be bored at home so they decided to 'take me' for a walk at Bangkit's market before going home. Really appreciated the thought of concern ;)



The most satisfying part of the day was the cleaning up of the room. I wiped the surfaces of the cupboard, glass, fans, and WALLS!! I shouldn't be climbing but the cleanliness after doing the cleaning made me feel so happy! :D Not just so, I washed some baby towels and bibs too!

Time passed quickly today and I didn't lament that much over boredom. Something good! Hopefully tomorrow will be alright too. Staying home just isn't my style. I need to 'run'! haha

Shall be blogging every day since I have nothing better to do other than upkeeping the cleanliness of the room.

Babygirl oh babygirl.. just when are you arriving to this world~~

Entry 564: The purpose of an online space..

Well, something which triggered me to think for several times.

Why do you privatize online networks or spaces?

Well, I could understand if you have overwhelming number of people or strangers adding you over in Facebook. You limit the access and set permissions for adding as you do not wish to have people you do not know in the network.

However, sometimes it seems to defeat the purpose of the set-up of the network isnt it? Social networking ... as it suggests.. means to bring together people with mostly common interests etc.

But if you don't start chatting and all, how would you know the two of you, strangers, could become best pals with same thinkings and sharings?

Take instagram for the first example.

This application allows you to snap photos, edit and add captions and tags to it to show the WORLD. If you just want to show your friends, relatives and family, why not just send them the pic? -,- instead of creating an account and go through some kind of hassle in setting privacy.. wait.. you mean you can't let people see photos of the scenery you caught in picture? You mean you are shy to show the public your camwhoring pictures? Oh.. save it please.. if you're afraid.. just look into the mirror and pose without the need to snap. You can enjoy quite a bit already I reckon.

What about blogs?

If you want to privatize, why not just get a diary? Save the electricity. Save the account set-up timing. Save the trouble to pimp your site. How much does your diary need to cost? Get an exercise book and wrap or design it just like what most people have done in primary and secondary school! Easy and cheap! No one will intrude your privacy cos you will probably hide your diary well. If you think you need some people to know, text them or something. Isn't that easier? Instead of needing you to invite them to view your stuffs online.. again, going through the hassle of signing into email accounts, clicking on your mail, and clicking on the link you sent which would grant permission to access to your blog -.- Hilarious.. Is there something you're afraid others might know? Like I mentioned, write on the exercise book then.

I have never set my accounts on private before. Not that I am flawless and nothing to be exposed. Every human make mistakes.. I can confess, admit and I have the guts to show. I don't deny to cover up my ass. I shit and I tell the world. Why? Cos I believe in realising what is wrong.. or right and confession is not notorious. Confession can lead to some kind of enlightenment at times too ;)

Anyways, this is just a personal opinion.. You can beg to defer! ^^

Entry 563: They who did not receive our hands..

Ok, this is going to be long. But read on as I really wish to voice this out to the world.

I hate this sound. I shout and yell and scream when this buzz in my ear.

I can't take this change. Why is my routine disrupted?

I don't like this voice. It is shouting at me when I don't even know why.

I am hungry but the people couldn't understand me. I cry and cry and all they want is me to shut my mouth.

I am just expressing myself. Why do the people say I am misbehaving?

I am only showing my emotions. Why do the people say I am in the wrong?

Have you heard all these unspoken words?

Or have you heard them sounding for help in the people who have certain disorder?

A recent bus incident about a man who pushed down an old lady made me ponder a lil' deeper.

We arrowed the fault at the man who (by convention) IS in the wrong to do what he has done to the old lady, but we truly, did not understand and can NEVER understand his situation.

All we would say is that if he has the disorder, he should just stay at home. Or, probably, we would think that he made up the medical conditions to escape the blaming fingers from the people.

My husband told me this as we argued about people having disorders like this man. He insisted with the example that, "So if he were to kill someone, he could just escape with the sheer excuse that he is sick?" Then he added on, "If he knows he has a disorder, he should just stay home."

I was feeling a bit sad when I heard that. Yet, I couldn't deny the way he feels.

Allow me to share my own experience as a childcare teacher.

When I just took over the last batch of 4-years-old in 2011. I had a child with behavioural and speech issues, a child who refuses to respond to teachers or other adults besides his parents, a child who is very slow in his development and repeat questions instead of answering them, and.... a child with autism.

I took diploma in Early Childhood Education. I graduated with a GPA of 3.4. One of my modules covered special education. I raised the issue in one of my current studies assignment (graded A+)regarding a child who needs special attention in class but was neglected (a scene I saw with my own eyes during field practicum). I took the topic of "Inclusion" as my research topic with my group (another Grade A assignment). BUT, I couldn't say that I understand and is prepared to take on children who are not developing typically in a mainstream classroom. All I had attained.. was theory that I couldn't put into practice.

Let's just look at the small classroom of 20 children I had last year. I couldn't manage inclusion and I heard myself repeating, "Stay away from xxx, unless you want to be beaten by him." or "leave him alone" or even shouting at him to stop wailing. I failed to see his anxiety in any forms of changes or discomfort. I failed to include him. But I know, I can't blame myself totally. I am not a trained teacher in inclusion. I am not trained to take on children with special needs. I could only feel the ache and frustration, and there is only little I could contribute then.

But one thing this child has.. A caring, understanding and accepting parents. They know there is something amiss and they heed the advice to go to the doctors. He was disgnosed. They sent him to Pathlight, a special school. He progressed gradually and remarkably. He is one of my favourite student now and every new thing he learns amazes me and other teachers and staffs in the centre. He received the early intervention which we urge is crucial and vital.

Back to the general category, or should I say let us touch on the adults with disorder. We could be more accepting and forgiving towards the children. However, we blamed the adults who behaved in a way we couldn't accept. We shut them out of the world; we leave them out of the society; we blame them for stepping into the real world and inflicting hurt to others. We failed to see.. that we are all rotten deep down trying to exclude all the people who are not as 'typical' as us.

Don't tell me you could empathise. Empathy happens only if you could understand how it feels to be in the person's shoes. Do you have that disorder? Did you experience the kind of judgement and treatment like he/she did? If not, we really did not know and could not feel how it is like to be that person. What's more.. most of the people couldn't see the 'abnormalities' in others and judge them quickly as naughty or bad.

They are humans. They grow older just like us. They need to do something for a living. They don't always have someone to take care of them. Eventually, people who take care of them will leave (by accident, nature or other circumstances). We can't just ask them to stay home, can we?

So now, who to be blamed?

Society? Parents who denied their disorder when they were young? Themselves? Or the one who created them?

There is no definite answer. But for a start, dear parents.. do not stay in that denial stage for too long as it only hinders the growth and development of your child. It affects his future greatly and depends a lot whether he will be accepted and treated right when he grows up. You are the first person to reduce his agony in the near future, do not leave him in the lurch.