Entry 507: If you could feel this heart that is beating for you..

Every morning I wake up thinking of you

Every night I go to bed missing you

And in between my sleep, I'll wake up to see if you have called..

Sometimes, I feel really stupid.

Or should I say most of the time.

But I just want to hear from you.

Even if it is for a short while.

Those misses you said

They are not for me

That explains the ache

For the misses I have were all for you..

And they are still ..

Kept telling myself that one day

If you're really gone..

I'll move on.

Even if you're not,

I'll still be brave alone.

But I guess I still couldn't let go fully

The urge to know what you are doing

The urge to hear your voice and see your face

Yet the times I see those posts just shatter them all

Whatever hopes and misses

I know.. they will all turn against me one day..

Maybe, the thing I'm waiting is not u..

It must be the day where everything is gonna rip me apart

piece by piece..

bit by bit..

p.s: Will you ever be back with all your heart?



Entry 506: The Night of Unrest

It might be haunting me

It might be asking why I didn't take good care of him

It might be wanting to say goodbye in a nicer way

All that I couldn't give

All that I have to take away

The night it all came back

The dreams..

They were like fantasy

Yet I felt so uneasy

It was uncomfortable

The chase

The maze

The weird 'monsters'

Just like a kid

Running to your bed

Telling you that there is a monster creeping into his/her sleep

Why would I..

be so affected by this unrest?

I could run to no one

There isn't a single soul I could feel the calm from

The familiar one.. is no longer here

When I dialled his numbers knowing he couldn't provide the kind of comfort he used to give

I felt weak yet I couldn't stop my fingers.

Just..

If only..

Baby, I'm sorry.

I should be depending on no one.

I should stay strong even if it means solitary.

p.s: Quintus, I'll always remember you.

Entry 505: The Record Player..

Love is just like a record player.

The same record

The repeating scenes

Just ..

a swap of roles..

Just like what has always been said..

"What goes around comes around"

You know, one day, you'll experience all the kinds of hurt you brought upon others.

On the other hand, you'll also see those who ever brought you down to hell will eventually get their turns to be ripped (:

Sometimes, we lost to that moment of confusion.

Whoever or whichever seems more reassuring might sometimes be the only regret we'll have when we look back.

Umpteen times I tell myself to move on..

yet the heart is holding on.

My mind is clear somehow..

Reminding me of the distances now.

A warm touch

Two calming kisses

Long embrace..

Countless flashbacks

Regrets

Nothing will ever rewind.

This record player could only keep on playing..

P.s: We all know..

Entry 504: The wait; The ache; The hunger; The fear.. Yet the care; the love; the concern..

The result of a love that no longer has its heartbeat.
The reason it gave up living knowing he would still leave this world if he was strong

It wasn't long before you see yourself walking to the cold place with only white beds, ceiling fans and the lights; The people wearing the exact same robe you are about to put on. It's like a school of uniformed identities. But I wasn't afraid cos he was there with me.

Sometimes, knowing certain facts do not diminish the comfort that person's presence could give. I should not be holding any hopes and I know.. From now on, I have to be stronger than ever..

The 8hours of wait til I was finally being pushed to the OT. Laid on my back recalling how the scenes in dramas and movies were being depicted. It wasn't a hurried one. My cousins could still joke (:

I wouldnt say the next moment I was under the lights cos I was not. Another few minutes of wait, repeating the answers of the same qns but asked by different green coated ladies. The short wait blasted with chatters of young nurses -boys and girls. Their jokes never get to me Before long, the doctors Chens came in both reassuring me things will be fine. And one of them said, after jabbing the anaesthesia, the next moment I wake up the operation would have been done.

Indeed.. All I can recall was the pain the jab and fluid was running through my left arm and the deep breaths I have to take. I fell asleep.. Deep into the realm where there is no dreams, no hurt, no ache at all.

I swear I heard them talking even before she woke me up. Heavy headed.. Heavy lids..

Waited for the ward's nurse to push me back to my bed. Mom and Dad were waiting outside and They accompanied me back to the bed. Mommy's jacket filled with her perfume kept me calm throughout the night. His tangah tightly held in my palms to keep me safe and protected.

Now, there isnt any pain. The loneliness gushed up with feelings of emptiness. Another wait for mommy to take me home..

Life... The lives we couldn't grab hold and cherish.. The lives we couldnt embrace. The love we couldnt shower; the care we couldnt show.. Please remember just how precious you were.

In life there isn't always joy and happiness, we always knew. Without sadness and pain, no one truly grows and understand the beauty of bliss, we always knew. But just how many of us could remember this and move on strongly and bravely??

Ps: the songs played throughout the night were randomly shuffled and they were all soothing.. Surprisingly..

Entry 503: If we would have continued the counting of happiness..

The memories are flooding and haunting me

The day I gave him up I was strong

I was only strong cos I thought I no longer need him

Yet only to realise..

I still couldn't give him up.

Almost 2 months of life without me

Things changed.

My heart is tearing and falling apart.

But there is nothing I could do to salvage.

I know he is my everything

But I ain't his only one.

The love from the adults who care and love me..

It soothed my heart but brought another tidal wave to the calming season

I don't know what's going on.

I miss him so much.

I need him back..

Guess it's just a matter of time I will be able to let go of this grip

If we would have hold on and continue the countings..

I know.. we would have been as loving..

I know.. we would have become one.

I lost.

God, I surrender.