Entry 586: The long wait..

The sacrifices I have to make for each of you.

The scars and marks that add on each time..

If it wasn't for love, what could it be?

 

As the days drag.. I become impatient and every day, I'll be asking and hoping that she will finally decide to come to this world to meet me in my arms. Yet each day fails me and the wait seems to get longer.

 

For the past few nights, I have been feeling her increased movements and that probably means she won't be out yet. Today, she moved a little lesser than yesterday. Should I see it as a good sign? :D

 

Haven't been very tolerant with Claire. She is impatient, perhaps inherited by me :/

She gets frustrated so easily and she kept saying, "uh oh" with those annoying noises which made me want to throw away everything that are making her whine. Her daddy on the other hand, is being more patient and loving and playing with her. He gave her all the attention when he is awake and it seems to be too unacceptable for me. Where is the love and care I need him to shower on me too?

 

Well, I have a friend who told me not to feel too bad about my husband loving his daughter more. She was treated in a way which disgusts her, thus I can't deny her kind advice. Still, I love Claire. It is just that.. I have lesser patience for her. I want discipline to be enforced in certain ways. I don't like some of her bad habits. They don't do her good. She is only 2 but she is a fast learner in many ways. I corrected many things about how my husband should communicate with her. He spoils her by giving in too much. He does scold her at times but it isn't consistent and she doesn't learn.

 

There are times too, that I will try to put it across to her nicely, in a light mood. I do have times that I am calmer than the people who are agitated by her. It is not all about hard disciplinary methods. But people around need to be cooperative.

 

Whatever she does that is unacceptable or considered rude, I will tell people at the scene not to laugh as she will find it okay to continue with that behaviour. I just wish to say, I don't mean restricting everything. Fun doesn't mean being rude. I hope she understands one day.

 

I am thinking of ways to bring Claire and Faith closer together. I will most likely be so worn out when Faith arrives that my patience and energy level will drop drastically.

 

 

 

 

To Claire,

 

If mommy ever scolds you wrongly or ignores you, please forgive me. When you grow older and read this post, do understand my situation k? I'm sorry darling. I love you so much to just let you stray. I may focus too much on meimei and neglect you when time comes but I will try my best to balance it. Don't ever think that I am bias. I'll shower love and care for you as well as for daddy and meimei. I will not be bias like daddy xD I love you, Claire.

 

Entry 585: I should have realized this earlier..

It could happen even when you don’t mean it.

“Having to be cautious in a relationship, be it your actions or words, does not necessarily means that the relationship is going downhill. It could also mean that you still care about how he/she feels.”

 

Lately, I have been asking a little too much. Well, it could be an understatement with that “little” but I really don’t mean bad. He has his worries too and I know it. I don’t know exactly how he feels and I tend to ask a lot more than he can handle. I’m really sorry.

 

He told me aftermath when I posted something unpleasant on the net (of course, I deleted it after he text me with his reply) that he don’t wish to be interviewed or questioned too much by me. He has a fair share of worries and I shouldn’t have made him feel intimidated by all the questions raised. I agreed I did ask too much after reflecting on myself but I just want to be part of his life. I tried too hard, I assume. He told me it is fine to just ask, “Fun?” or “Tired?”, simple questions like that to show I care. I always thought it is worse to just give replies like that – short one or two word. They are the worst messages. I feel that messages like that are redundant and meaningless. However, if I were to think deeper earlier, I should have realized that we all have different aspects in life to juggle with. It is hard to maintain a balance and it is hard to always give a full, long and detailed message reply. I mean, we have been together for so long, it is ok, really, to just exchange short messages at times, especially when we are tied down with work.

 

I miss him a lot more now when I’m carrying our second daughter. I didn’t know I will bother him this much cos I used to hang-out with my friends and sent short replies to him too. We used to be a 1+1 wherever we go, until…last year? I started heavy clubbing and hanging out with my girlfriends, thus neglecting him. I thought it was ok, cos he was the one who focused too much on gadgets and games that even when we were home together, we barely talked.

 

I once left him for that same reason. Then one day, he told me how he was desperately yet patiently waiting for me to come home, and talked to me about how he feels. He didn’t game that day. He was just waiting for me to be back. I came back, all tired and sleepy. I fell asleep while he was gently telling me how he had felt. He stopped and then, a call came in. I started chatting away, wide awake. He was asleep, but not deep or sound. It really hurt him that time. To think of it now, I still feel guilty. I should have given a second thought. I should have listened to him. I thought of myself so much that I didn’t realize, he knew his mistake and wanted to amend. It wasn’t too late. I just didn’t bother to give him a chance back then. I was wrong myself.

 

They have all passed and should serve a valuable lesson for us to cherish each other more. Though there are times I stumble and future seems grey, we are still here for each other. I am thankful. I am thankful that he has stayed with me.

Hubby, if you ever read this, I wanna say,

“Thank you for being here for me. You may not always be physically around when I am in need but I thank you for loving me and caring for our little family. You are not the best in other people’s world, but you are the best I have found. I am sorry that I made you tear and disappointed. You forgave me times and times again that I should feel ashamed. But I am shamelessly holding on to you. I want you to know, I love you. Please continue to stay with me.”

 

To end this post off, I would just like to remind all couples..

Being comfortable is a good thing. But being too comfortable may make you forget about how important it is to still want to know how the other party may feel if you do this or that. The tendency of either or both parties being complacent may someday lead to a separation that none could explain either. And that probably goes with this.. “I don’t know why we broke up. We just agreed mutually.”

 

Til then..

Entry 584: There will always be "Once in a while..."

Once in a while, I will browse through my blog and read and recall what happened in my life. It isn't too difficult to update in this manner. Cos I only pen down when I really have things bothering me or have been bothering me for long enough to  make me blog it.

And so... Pregnancy isn't a all-wonderful and all-amazing journey. It isn't always sweetness (for me) and being EXTRA paranoid seems to be affecting us a lot. It feels like I'm gonna push him further away if it does turn out to be an argument, worse, a heated one. But I'm glad, none really got that bad. (I hope none will even in the future)

My confidence level plunge. My self-esteem and self-worth seem to decrease a whole lot. I can figure out some of the causes but I just can't bring myself to make changes every day. Considering that a pregnant wife should be the one forgiven and understood, instead of the one making compromises. Yes, relationship works two ways. But I can't deny I still need that bit of assurance and security to pull through this phase AGAIN. This isn't my first pregnancy, and I shouldn't be that fearful. But honestly, I fear more now then I previously had during my first pregnancy. I was more cheerful and more energetic and active. But now, I'm just slipping in my big and comfy or auntie or mismatch pieces that even I kinda get turn off at times. I don't wanna look into the mirror cos I can't stand the haggard look. But one thing after my stormy days, I begin to love the hassle-free naked face, especially when I wanna catch extra minutes to sleep or rest or when I'm in a hurry or when the weather is really damn damn hot and humid.

Well, I guess I'm just not into dolling up in this long 40weeks period. I can't stand the oil secretion after certain hours with the cosmetics on my face. My face seems to be screaming for help!!

I think Faith is going to be a brave and strong girl. For whatever negative feelings I have, I persuade myself everything's gonna be alright. I will make my way back to the confident and outgoing me, in a good way of course. Im weak-minded. I admit. And I can't stand slight betrayal or negligence now. There are things I can't guarantee. History repeats itself when you do not learn your mistakes and find solutions to prevent it from happening again.

Words are cheap. Promises are shallow. The only substance is to continuously show and prove yourself worth.

That said, I am motivated to regain my confidence and be proud of myself as a mom of two. Daddy of two, I gave away my youth and figure for their existence. Please take good care of my like how you will to the two of them.





Love,
Wayne.

Entry 583: And both of us grinned ear to ear..

Was in a dilemma -  to have or not to have?

He said, "People do no know, and they grieve when they lost theirs. But only doctor's instinct can tell that the reason why it did not survive was because it has some abnormalities that if he/she were to be given birth, he/she will suffer."

他说：“大多数的人都为了流走的那个难过哭泣。但医生知道他/她会死的原因是因为他/她不够健全，所以选择不要来到世界上受苦。"

Lets just hope all will be well.


P.s: 宝宝，要知道不管别人说什么，你是爹地妈咪期待已久的。当我们知道你的存在时，我们都笑了。希望你在妈咪肚子里健康强壮的成长。你要做个正常又快乐的人、孝顺父母、尊敬长辈、人见人爱。爱你哟！

Entry 582: Merry Post X'mas and Happy Boxing day

Boxing day.. Somewhat like a second Christmas and it is in some European countries.

How was your Christmas this year? I am hoping to receive 2014 Christmas with merrier hearts (: you?

But before 2014 comes, I wanna celebrate with my friends, my dear sisters.. Hopefully I could get at least one or two of them to join me in counting down..! (and if Hubby approves)

Have started binging a lil.. *laughs* never ending.. As usual I continued to eat even when I said I want to diet >-<

oh wells.


Went to Hubb's workplace to wait for him to knock off.. Then off we go to RWS's newly opened Slappycakes. Peeps do check out the new outlet ya! It is located at Waterfront Station, near to the water fountain there!

Oh this photo with Claire was taken at Grandstand's Vitala. Pardon her crudeness. HAHA!

 

@ RWS's Slappy cakes..

 

Gonna miss the bunch of people at M.A.D and SC there..

How they play and tease Claire.. ^^

 

Til then.. HAPPY BOXING DAY!

Entry 581: The grumbz..

On second thought, probably I should really put that on hold. No doubts I really want to, and partly due to other reasons, I wished it could go as 'plan'. But a plan aint a plan when I know it is gonna add on to what's already on my shoulder.

 

I can't help thinking if I should just skip the next year and probably another just to ensure everything will be more smooth-sailing if there should be any changes in our lives. Afterall, there are other stuff to factor in.. the list goes on..

 

Well, for the least he should understand where I am coming from and give me some assurance. Not that he didn't emotionally.. but we're talking about a future not just for the two of us. It has never been just the two of us anyways.

 

Stopped clubbing so often. Though this clubbing craze was short-lived. Started beginning of this year and reducing it a whole lot even before it hits six months of crazy night life. Yep, it is good to stop going out at night to those 'messy' places. But life hasn't been exactly awesome after that. Work tied me down a lil.. tried to catch up with this marriage with him and maintain other household stuff. Got tired many times.. but still surviving. Yes, that's partly the reason that idea is gonna put on hold.

 

Perhaps I should continue my hardcore dieting ;x LOL nah just joking.. just stop binging! haha

 

Alright, time to turn in to bed.. gotta wake up on time to dry the laundry too.. Life as a young working wife and mom and maid.. (if only I get paid ;p)

 

 

P.s. I'd probably do better if I were bitch enough.. too bad, I can't and ain't >.<

Entry 580: You'd never be ready and well-prepared enough until that thing really happen to you.

Probably it is time to decide which to give and which to take...

Bound to be times in life you get into a dilemma and just cant decide without feeling you may regret.
It seems neither here nor there but just gotta go for it. No matter how tough, believe we will pull through.

Goodbye but welcome.