Entry 504: The wait; The ache; The hunger; The fear.. Yet the care; the love; the concern..

The result of a love that no longer has its heartbeat.
The reason it gave up living knowing he would still leave this world if he was strong

It wasn't long before you see yourself walking to the cold place with only white beds, ceiling fans and the lights; The people wearing the exact same robe you are about to put on. It's like a school of uniformed identities. But I wasn't afraid cos he was there with me.

Sometimes, knowing certain facts do not diminish the comfort that person's presence could give. I should not be holding any hopes and I know.. From now on, I have to be stronger than ever..

The 8hours of wait til I was finally being pushed to the OT. Laid on my back recalling how the scenes in dramas and movies were being depicted. It wasn't a hurried one. My cousins could still joke (:

I wouldnt say the next moment I was under the lights cos I was not. Another few minutes of wait, repeating the answers of the same qns but asked by different green coated ladies. The short wait blasted with chatters of young nurses -boys and girls. Their jokes never get to me Before long, the doctors Chens came in both reassuring me things will be fine. And one of them said, after jabbing the anaesthesia, the next moment I wake up the operation would have been done.

Indeed.. All I can recall was the pain the jab and fluid was running through my left arm and the deep breaths I have to take. I fell asleep.. Deep into the realm where there is no dreams, no hurt, no ache at all.

I swear I heard them talking even before she woke me up. Heavy headed.. Heavy lids..

Waited for the ward's nurse to push me back to my bed. Mom and Dad were waiting outside and They accompanied me back to the bed. Mommy's jacket filled with her perfume kept me calm throughout the night. His tangah tightly held in my palms to keep me safe and protected.

Now, there isnt any pain. The loneliness gushed up with feelings of emptiness. Another wait for mommy to take me home..

Life... The lives we couldn't grab hold and cherish.. The lives we couldnt embrace. The love we couldnt shower; the care we couldnt show.. Please remember just how precious you were.

In life there isn't always joy and happiness, we always knew. Without sadness and pain, no one truly grows and understand the beauty of bliss, we always knew. But just how many of us could remember this and move on strongly and bravely??

Ps: the songs played throughout the night were randomly shuffled and they were all soothing.. Surprisingly..